nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
