remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
