Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
