Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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