legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
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I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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