I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
