The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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