all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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