Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
