"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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