FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
