I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
