I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
