Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
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Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.