He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz