I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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