pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
