The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
