the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
