Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
