Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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