Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
