Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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