You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
