if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
