Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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