i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
