I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Randomize
