I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
