I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
