I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
