My cat gives me a boner
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
