god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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