just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
