I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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