no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
