I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
