Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
