I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
