so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
