My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
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