Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
