I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
