Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Operation Purity has been aborted
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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