giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
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Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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