YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
