I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
