you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
