God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
