I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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