I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
