What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
