Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
