He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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