do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
