Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
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I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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