I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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