She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
