i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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