Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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