I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
