apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
