I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
