Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So squirting runs in the family.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
