It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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