bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
